


To mend a broken soul

by bettyparker



Series: Soulmates AU [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt Bones, Hurt Jim, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 04:18:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7786489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettyparker/pseuds/bettyparker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People see in black and white until they meet their soulmate.<br/>Leonard's knees almost gave out when Jim touches him and he sees the world for the first time. He can hear Jim gasping next to him and instead of feeling relief he feels dread. He is afraid so he does the first thing that comes to his mind. He lies. He pretends he doesn't see the colors.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	To mend a broken soul

**Author's Note:**

> So, here's Bones's POV. Hope you like it ;)

Leonard’s in college when he marries Jocelyn. They’re not soulmates but his parents tell him that she’s a good match for him. He tries to protest but his parents already decided.

“She’s going to make an excellent wife Leonard. Besides, not all people meet their soulmate. You will grow to love Jocelyn.”

So they get married. It feels like a business transaction to Leonard because his father gets them to sign some papers and then a week later their father become partners in the law firm that Leonard’s father owns. Jocelyn is nice and Leonard finds that it’s easy to like her. They settle into everyday life and Leonard can’t help but feel like there’s something missing. They have Joanna and he tells himself that he’s not disappointed when he still doesn’t feel complete.

He’s home early when Jocelyn comes in and sits heavily on the couch. Leonard opens his mouth to say something but she beats him to it.

“I met my soulmate today.”

Leonard’s head turns to her but she’s staring blankly at the wall behind him. She doesn’t say anything more. A few days later they start fighting. Leonard starts spending more time at the hospital than at home. The few times he’s home he can’t help but feel jealous. Jocelyn can see Joanna’s eyes and hair color and dresses and he can’t. It’s not long before they’re having another fight and words are being thrown around. Leonard’s not proud of himself but he can’t help it. He feels bitter.

A few months after Jocelyn meets her soulmate Leonard finds out she’s been seeing him behind his back. He waits for Jocelyn and they fight again.

“What did you expect me to do, Leonard? He’s my soulmate, I’m meant to be with him. Besides, you never loved me, why is this such a big deal?”

And Leonard snorts.

“Why is it suck a..? Maybe because you’re my wife!”

“Come on, Leonard. You never loved me. He does. He knows everything and I can promise you, nothing will change. We’ll still be married.”

And Leonard feels angry. He throws the glass that was on the table and it shatters on the wall.

“Fuck you, Jocelyn. I want a divorce.”

With that he turns his back on her and heads to the bedroom to pack.

“I pity your soulmate, Leonard.”

He stops dead in his tracks but he doesn’t turn to face her.

“You’re always so bitter and sad. I’m not even sure if you’re capable of love. You don’t deserve your soulmate, whoever they are, they deserve much better.”

He goes and packs his bags and leaves. They’re divorced before he knows it and his parents are disappointed. He decides to move after he starts to receive pity looks from everyone. Jocelyn’s words play over and over again in his head and he thinks that she’s right. He starts drinking and applies for Starfleet. He hates space but he hates this town more.

His knees almost gave out when Jim touches him and he sees the world for the first time. He can hear Jim gasping next to him and instead of feeling relief he feels dread. Jocelyn’s words come back and Leonard is afraid so he does the first thing that comes to his mind. He lies.

“Bones do you see this?”

And Leonard looks at Jim and he sees him for the first time and it almost takes his breath away. Jim’s eyes are so blue that Leonard could drown in them. He keeps his face carefully blank and raises his eyebrow at Jim.

“What are you talking about?”

Jim flinches and Leonard almost reaches for him. Jim looks devastated before he catches himself and puts on a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and Leonard is the one that almost flinches. He doesn’t react though and Jim just turns and starts walking again, careful to keep a good distance between them.

“Nothing. Forget about it.”

And Leonard wishes he could forget. He feels an urge to reach out and take Jim’s hand, to tell him that he can see the colors too. He doesn’t, instead he shoves his hands in his pockets and walks silently behind Jim and he hates the situation. He hates Jocelyn for putting him in this position, he hates Jim for being too perfect for him but mostly he hates himself for not being good enough for Jim.

Jim starts to get in fights and Leonard swears every time he sees him at the door of their dorm room covered in blood and bruises. He cleans his cuts and wonders if he should tell Jim the truth but the words get stuck in his throat and he never does. He tells himself that he needs to find the right moment. It never comes. Jim starts sleeping around and Leonard thinks that maybe Jim’s not hurting, that maybe he doesn’t feel the void and the coldness. Jim’s getting ready to leave again one night and Leonard watches him head towards the door.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

And Leonard thinks he sees a glimpse of hurt behind Jim’s usual mask. It doesn’t last because Jim turns to him and gives him another fake smile before leaving and Leonard can’t even remember the last time he saw Jim smile for real. It hurts because he knows that he’s the reason Jim’s acting like this. He didn’t tell Jim because he didn’t want him to be miserable but he’s miserable anyway and Leonard wonders if he made a mistake along the line. He doesn’t get around to tell Jim after that either.

All hell breaks loose and  he can almost feel Jim’s sadness at the prospect of being left behind so he damns it all to hell and decides to take Jim with him. He almost punches Spock after he leaves Jim on Delta Vega but his hands are tied since Spock is the acting Captain. He breathes easy again only after Jim is back on board. He watches as determination crosses his features and before he can understand what happened, Spock is chocking Jim. And then Jim is suddenly the Captain and Leonard doesn’t even get a chance to talk to him anymore because he’s off with Spock and they’re on some killer’s ship. They come back with Pike and Leonard thanks heavens that Jim is back in one piece.

Their relationship starts to change slowly but surely. Jim starts avoiding him and they spend less and less time together. It leaves Leonard feeling lost and he wishes he would’ve told Jim. Maybe if he told him right away, Jim wouldn’t be this sad and miserable. But he didn’t and Leonard can’t turn back time no matter how much he wants to. But then Pike’s dead and they’re back on the Enterprise. Nothing changes. Jim still avoids him and Leonard is desperate to talk to him. Because he knows he made a mistake and he wants to tell him. He hopes Jim will forgive him. But Jim avoids him like the plague and Leonard decides to corner him. He goes to the bridge and waits for him next to the Captain’s chair. Chekov’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts and he looks to the turbolift as Jim and Spock enter the bridge. As soon as Jim sees him his smile drops and he straightens up, as if preparing to enter a fight. Leonard’s chest aches but he deserves it. Before Jim can take another step Spock gives him a PADD and starts talking about a strategy. Jim comes and sits and to Leonard’s shock, Spock doesn’t leave like he usually does.

“Doctor, was there something you wanted?”

Leonard knows his shock is visible but he never heard Spock use that tone before. He suddenly understands what happened. Spock knows.

“I..uhh…I just wanted to see how Jim is doing.”

“Well as you can see, the Captain is well. We have work to do. Was that all, Doctor?”

And Leonard feels a little out of place all of the sudden. He sneaks a peak at Jim and sees him looking down at the PADD and understands that Jim doesn’t want him there. He leaves and he doesn’t look back. He tells himself that he’ll tell Jim about the lie later. When Jim sends him with Carol Marcus on a planet with a torpedo he starts flirting. He knows he’s being petty but he can’t help it. He’s on a strange planet with a torpedo that could blow up. And of course the damn thing arms itself. As the seconds thick by, Leonard thinks that he never got to tell Jim the truth and that’s his biggest regret.

He doesn’t die and he promises himself he’ll tell Jim the truth the second he’s back on the ship. Fate has other plans and he has no chance to talk to Jim before he leaves with Khan. He says to himself that he’ll tell him after he comes back. He resumes his duties and not long after Carol is brought with a broken leg and he tends to her as best as he can. He doesn’t know where Jim is. He almost collapses when the colors start to fade. He asks the computer to locate Jim and then he’s running. He never felt so scared in his life. He gets there and almost bumps into Scotty. He takes one look at Leonard and then he’s shaking his head and Leonard can’t breathe. Scott steps aside and Leonard almost falls at the sight. Jim is behind the glass door and even if he can’t see him properly, Spock is crying and that’s enough to shake Leonard to the core. Scott is explaining something next to him but he can’t hear it. It’s like he’s in a tunnel and the world is on the other side. The colors are dull now and Spock stands up and turns to him. He doesn’t even know what’s happening to him because suddenly he’s kneeling in front of Jim and it hurts to look at him. Jim’s eyes are closed but Leonard knows he’s alive because he’s breathing heavily and the colors haven’t disappeared.

“Jim..”

His voice is hoarse and there’s a lump in his throat. Jim opens his eyes painfully slow and Leonard almost screams when he sees how bloodshot they are. Confusion crosses his features but then the confusion is replaced with resignation.

“You can see the colors. I’m your soulmate.”

 Jim’s voice is weak and it breaks but the sadness is unmistakable. Leonard feels tears sliding down his face but he doesn’t care.

“I’m sorry, Jim. I wanted to tell you. I’m really sorry.”

And he is. He realizes now that he should’ve told Jim from the beginning. If Leonard wouldn’t have been such a coward maybe Jim wouldn’t be dying. Maybe they could’ve made it work. But that’s all Leonard will have left. A world of regret and maybes. Jim snorts at him but it turns into a cough and Leonard can hear the strain of his lungs as they struggle to keep Jim alive.

“A little..late for that…Bones”

Jim’s voice is slurred and a moment later his eyes close and Leonard turns frantic. He starts calling Jim’s name but Jim doesn’t open his eyes and the colors start to fade at the edge of his vision.

“Jim, come on. Open your eyes, please. I’m so sorry. Please. I love you, I’m so sorry.”

Jim doesn’t open his eyes. And suddenly the colors bleed away and all there’s left is the dull black and white he knows best. Something snaps inside him and the void that he’s been feeling explodes into a black hole and the temperature drops abruptly. And he’s crying and pounding on the door, he wants to break the glass to get to Jim, to bring him back because it’s not fair. There’s a lot of voices fighting behind him but there’s a ringing in his ears and he’s desperate to get to Jim. He feels hands wrap around his torso and he’s being pulled away. He struggles and tries to get back to Jim but then there’s a pressure on his neck and he feels dizzy. The last thing he sees before slipping into unconsciousness is Jim’s lifeless body and the blood stained glass door. He’s vaguely aware that the blood is his.

When he wakes up he’s aware of the smell of antiseptic. He opens his eyes and the world is still dull. He gets up and looks down at his bandaged hands. He remembers pounding on the door and the blood smears on the clear glass. Pain shoots through his heart and he wonders if everyone who loses a soulmate feels like this, like his heart and soul have been shredded, torn and stomped onto and now all there’s left is dust. It’s agony, despair and numbness at the same time. But most of all he feels cold, like his whole being is trapped in the Arctic. He shakes it off and gets up. A nurse comes to him and Leonard thinks he knows her name but he can’t remember it. He pushes past her and heads to the crowd of people where he knows what he’ll find. The body bag mocks him and he still feels tears stinging in his eyes when he opens it and sees Jim. It’s another blow to his already broken hear when he doesn’t see Jim’s beautiful golden hair and tanned skin. He’s as dull as the world now. He manages to get to a chair before his knees give out and tears threaten to spill again. Scotty is sitting next to Jim looking grimly at the ground. The atmosphere in the room is somber. There’s a sudden sound at Leonard’s left and he shoots up when the panel indicates the tribble he injected with Khan’s blood earlier is alive. A plan forms in his head and he looks at the nurse.

“Get me a cryo tube, now!”

Everybody starts moving and Carol Marcus watches him warily for a minute but she helps with the cryo tube when his plan becomes apparent. She smiles at him before going to work. They activate the cryogenic sequence and Leonard tells the bridge to get Khan back alive. After that Leonard works on autopilot. He starts preparing to begin working on a serum the minute he gets his hands on the blood. Not long after Uhura tells him that they have Khan and he meets them halfway. He can’t help but feel a little satisfaction at the sight of the beaten and unconscious Khan. He draws enough blood to start working on the serum and then he instructs the nurse to take some more before he runs to start working.

The next few days are a blur to him. He doesn’t eat and he only sleeps an hour at a time when he feels too exhausted. He works and works and it still doesn’t take his mind off the black hole inside him. He’s still painfully aware of the loss and he’s not even sure there is something that could make him feel normal again. Uhura gives him worried looks whenever she comes to check on his progress. He doesn’t acknowledge her. She tried to make him sleep at the beginning but when she realized it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon she stopped bringing it up.

It’s only five days later that he finally finishes the serum. Spock sits at the foot of the bed, hands clasped behind his back as Leonard and the others get Jim out of the cryo tube and onto the bed. Leonard prepares the serum and injects it and then they wait. The room is tense and Leonard holds his breath and prays to whoever’s listening to let this thing work. He can see Spock tensing but at the moment he doesn’t care. And then a machine beeps and Leonard goes to take Jim’s pulse and it’s faint but it’s there. Everybody rushes then. Leonard starts the blood transfusions to get rid of the radiation and the nurses hook Jim up to the machines and everything else.

Leonard realizes only a while after, when he’s sitting in the chair next to Jim’s bed, that he can see faint colors. He breathes easy for the first time since Jim died and the black hole is back to the constant ache. It’s not healed but it’s an improvement. He looks up when he feels someone staring at him and finds Spock. He has his careful blank mask but his eyes show worry. Or maybe Leonard is hallucinating from the exhaustion, he doesn’t know anymore.

“Doctor, I must advise you to rest. I did not want to interrupt you while you were working but now that the Captain is safe it would be best if you rested. You will be no good to the Captain if you can’t even stand.”

And Leonard wants to protest but Spock gives him a serious look and when he doesn’t leave Leonard understands that he will stay until he agrees. He checks on Jim’s vitals one more time and then he gets up and leaves, Spock right behind him.

“Are you really going to stalk me now, Spock?”

Spock doesn’t answer, he just raises his eyebrow and keeps following Leonard until they reach his room.

“You are released from duty for the next twelve hours. I advise you to rest and not try to go back to the Med bay. I shall look after the Captain until you are fit for duty.”

With that he turns around and leaves.

“Goddamn hobgoblin.”

Seeing no other choice, Leonard enters his room and lays down. He can’t remember the last time he was on a bed or when he last slept but he’s soon dreaming. He dreams about a world without colors and not reaching Jim in time. He dreams about falling through the floor of the ship with Jim and drifting further and further away in the darkness of space. He screams and screams but the silence of space muffles his sounds. He bolts up in bed, breathing hard and he can’t shake the image of Jim’s lifeless body, void of all color. He leaves his room even though he slept only four hours.

He gets to Jim’s room and Spock’s not there. The nurse tells him that she sent him to his room to rest and Leonard’s thankful. She gives him a worried look too but doesn’t comment. She leaves the room and Leonard takes his place on the chair again. He takes Jim’s hand carefully and he’s relieved when he feels his steady pulse. Leonard’s dozing when the machine suddenly starts going crazy as Jim’s pulse skyrockets. His brainwaves are showing signs of pain and Leonard reaches for the hypo next to him and decompresses it as soon as he can. The beeping goes back to normal a second later and Leonard tries to calm himself.

“Damn, kid, you’re gonna give me a heart attack.”

He monitors Jim for a little while and then he decides he needs coffee if he wants to stay awake. And he sure as hell isn’t going to sleep anytime soon. He bumps into Uhura and she makes him sit down and puts a tray of food in front of him. He glares at her but he doesn’t have enough energy to argue. He forces himself to eat and she smiles even if he manages to eat just half a sandwich. They get back to Jim’s room together and when they get there Spock is shouting at the nurse. Leonard gets between them while Uhura tries to keep Spock in check.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

And Spock turns his angry stare to Leonard.

“This nurse must be removed. I want her away as far away from the Captain as possible.”

The nurse looks frightened and Leonard understands her fear because Spock is a little scary like this.

“I was only administering a hypo because the Captain seemed to be in pain.”

“I want her removed.”

And Leonard makes a dismissive gesture at the nurse before turning to Spock. Uhura looks confused at the situation while Spock still looks angry.

“What the hell is your problem? The nurse was only doing her job. Jim is in pain still from the radiation, she was merely administering an anesthetic. He’s in good hands.”

“I am reluctant to believe you, Doctor. You caused the Captain pain by keeping the truth from him. He was hurting because he thought he was the only one with a soulbond with you. So forgive me, Doctor, but I do not trust you to ensure the Captain’s wellbeing.”

Leonard flinches back and Uhura looks stunned. Jocelyn’s words come back to him and he wants to run.

“Fuck you, Spock.”

Uhura looks at him, her eyes filled with apologies but he doesn’t stop. He leaves and slams the door shut behind him. He starts running and he doesn’t stop until he reaches his room. When the door closes behind him he slides down and Jocelyn and Spock’s words keep playing over and over and it gets harder and harder to breathe until his vision blurs and his breath stutters in his chest. The air doesn’t reach his lungs and his chest starts hurting, the world muffles around him. He remembers the breathing exercise his therapist taught him but it’s a while before he can breathe normally again. Only then does he realize that the colors are back to normal. He takes a moment to enjoy it and then he’s on his feet. He gets to Jim’s room almost on autopilot and he sits on the couch, looking around his room. There are clothes on the floor and the bed is unmade and Leonard wants to laugh at how typical of Jim it is. The door swishes open and Leonard stands there shocked as he sees Jim come in. He hurries to him and makes sure to check him over and when he’s done Jim just pushes past him and sits on the bed. Leonard wants to reach out again, to make sure Jim is alive and he’s not dreaming but he doesn’t dare.

“Jim..”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jim sounds as tired as Leonard feels. He knew this was coming yet it still takes his a while to answer. He runs his hand through his hair in frustration because words were never his forte.

“I was divorced. The relationship ended badly. When you touched me and I realized that you were my…it felt too soon. So I pretended to be oblivious. And I’m so sorry.”

And he is. He’s sorry he let Jocelyn’s words get to him, he’s sorry he made Jim feel unwanted, he’s sorry he didn’t tell him earlier.

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

The words sound hesitant and Leonard has to look away because he remembers all the times he wanted to tell him and didn’t. He feels like a coward.

“I almost told you so many times. But then you started sleeping around and I told myself that maybe you didn’t want me.”

_And I let my fear of rejection guide me._ He doesn’t say it because he doesn’t think it matters much now. Jim snorts and it’s the bitterest sound he ever heard.

“Oh so now it’s my fault.”

And Leonard wants to scream in frustration because that’s the opposite of what he’s trying to say so he decides to screw it, he’s gonna lay everything on the table.

“Dammit Jim! Let me explain. Everybody leaves me. I told myself that it was just a matter of time until you will too because who would want a grumpy old guy like me? You deserved better.”

And Leonard realizes those are the exact words of his wife and he hates himself more and more for letting her have so much power over him. Jim seems to deflate and in that moment he just looks tired.

“That was not your choice to make, Bones.”

Leonard knows that now but it doesn’t make it better.

“Jim, darlin’, please believe me. I made a mistake.”

Jim’s dark chuckle makes Leonard flinch because it sounds so wrong coming from Jim.

“Well, that just makes it all better, doesn’t it?”

Jim’s tone is sarcastic and Leonard knows that maybe nothing will ever make this better, maybe they’re meant to always come close but never get together. Jim stands up and Leonard almost takes a step back at the anger rolling off in waves from Jim.

“It makes up for all the years I felt like crap. It makes up for the fact that all this time I lived under the impression that I had a soulmate that will never be truly mine. The fact that you ‘made a mistake’ makes up for all the lies you told me. Well guess what, Bones? It’s not enough. Because when I touched you it felt like I came alive. But then I looked at you and I was underwater again. I hated you! I hated you for not feeling the same. Mostly, I hated myself because even knowing that I was not your soulmate I fell for you. I fell for you even though I knew you wouldn’t be there to catch me. And I wanted to tell you every night that you were it for me and that I loved you but I would tell myself that it wouldn’t be fair to you.”

And Leonard knows he fucked up but hearing it from Jim feels like twisting the knife. He never wanted Jim to feel this way. He tried to save Jim the misery and in the end they both ended up miserable.

“I’m so sorry.”

His voice is whispered but he’s sure Jim hears him. He feels like he’s about to cry but he doesn’t let himself. If Jim will ask him now to leave and never speak to him again, he’ll do it. He doesn’t want to cause Jim more heartbreak.

“I’m angry with you. You took the choice away from me and you know how much I hate that.”

He nods and prepares to hear Jim tell him to piss off, to never even look at him again.

“This won’t go away easy. You decided not to tell me and it hurt us both in the process. But I also know you. I know you’re terrified of losing people. I also know that it must’ve been hard for you when I died. But as much as I want to talk about this I am tired as hell.”

Leonard is hurt but he nods anyway. Jim didn’t tell him to go to hell at least so Leonard counts that as a win. He turns to the door but he’s stopped in his tracks when Jim grabs his wrist. He looks at Jim confused and tries to stomp down the hope that bubbles in his chest. Jim’s face is unreadable for a second but then he smiles and it’s the first true smile Leonard has seen in a while. Jim steps closer and hugs him and Leonard can’t help but clutch desperately at his shirt. The ache in his chest eases a little.

“I’m not saying you’re forgiven. We still have a lot to talk about. But I love you, Bones. And you need to sleep too because, to tell you the truth, you look like hell.”

And Leonard laughs and it sounds broken but he doesn’t care. Jim’s giving him a second chance.

“I love you too, darlin’. And I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.”

Jim kisses him softly and Leonard feels like a teenager again. He promises himself that he’ll do anything to make this man happy and he’ll be damned if he lets him go again.

“I know.”

Jim drags him to the bed and Leonard places his head deliberately on Jim’s chest and he falls asleep to the steady beating of Jim’s heart.

The next few weeks are not easy. They both have nightmares. Leonard sometimes dreams about worlds void of color and Jim’s lifeless eyes and he bolts up in bed and Jim is always there to calm him down and he lets Leonard check him over even if it’s the middle of the night. Jim also wakes up sweating sometimes and Leonard lets him wrap himself around him and he talks to Jim until he falls back asleep. They’re both damaged but they mend each other. And in the end that’s all that matters.

 

 


End file.
